Retirement Adventures...It's not all a bed of roses..the petals have fallen off the stem and left me bleeding from the thorns..

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When sharing the Adventures of our retirement from the Army life...I've tried to keep it light of heart and light of reading...re-inventing myself to what I want to be or think that I was at one time in my life.  Brave, strong, fun, and funny...dependable, kind, giving.


Though I have taken a few paths that I've been ashamed of in the past--being angry, petty, mean-spirited, clique-ish, out-of-control--I've tried to make reparations and amends for my bad choices and bad behavior.  Living with the consequences of my choices and actions has proved painful at times--shame and sadness can steal my joy in the todays--even when I am years past the hurting, the hurt and the asking for forgiveness.

In recent days...and weeks...I have found it harder and harder to be awake. To be present. To be thankful in my circumstances.  My body feels so heavy--both physically and metaphorically--I just want to lay it down. To let it go. Fly away somewhere where there is no more weight.  Where the alone doesn't matter any more

Then I pick up my phone--that modern necessity most of us utilize like it is air, or water, or clothing to start the day--and I open it to the blog:  A Holy Experience by Ann Voskamp (www.aholyexperience.com) and read Missing Him:  31 Days of Jesus and today's blog post. And yesterday's and last week's...

Today's post is titled:  If you Need a Therapy that Really Calms the Heart.  It's about a man, a husband, a father, who is coping with his wife's depression.  How his courage, his love, his patience and persistent "being there" is part of his cellular makeup.  What hits me in the gut-wrenching soul part of me is it describes my husband.  I am that woman who has that thing that "grabs a hold of a woman and makes her fear a day and herself and letting anyone get close" ... those of you who know me and love me may wonder where this comes from?  I am a dual person...there is one of me who sings my inner song to strangers, who picks up a stumbled and alone elderly woman, who finds peace and joy in watching the trees sway with the power of the breathe of the Holy One.  Then, there is one of me who allows "joy to be elusive and cynicism to be easy and stress to be normal..the same me that chokes down pills and food and shame instead of choking out what's wrong"...the me that is "scared to death to be real"...the me that "just lives to be dead"... So I battle daily to be present..to be aware...to find the ray of sunlight...the little heart signs that God leaves everywhere--in the trees--in the rocks--in the fallen leaves or clumps of dirt upon the floor--in my dear friend's reaching out to hold me...in prayer, in thought, in presence. 

I could let this blog post be a damnation of my struggle...or, I can read to the end..like finishing the instructions on a test...to find what it has to say. For my husband (the Colonel) or for myself (inner understanding?)...and I see that ..I SEE that... in finding a something to be joyful in--be it a child's play, or a toddler's reaching up to hold a hand, the warmth of my cocker spaniel's bottom as he rests on my foot, the clump of dirt on the floor--miraculously shaped like a heart-love... there is joy to be found.  Then the rest of the "instructions" are for me to be thankful in whatever circumstances that I am in...to wail to my maker to take my anger and my pain...to make me well again.  Because the "anger is making me sick and weak and bound" and "the therapy is in the thanks".

can you see the heart-rock-love--lying on it's side?

I could quote the whole shebang...all the wisdom, and worry, and angst, and joy, and love, and anger, and constant dullness of depression...but I think you would do better to read the post:  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/10/if-you-need-a-therapy-that-really-calms-the-heart/
Maybe you could give a little prayer for the Colonel as he holds me til I can find my way again. Maybe you could pray for me to find my way into the sunlight, the thankfulness, the joy of what and who God is in the breathing and the living in the light.

I am thankful in this moment...in this light...xoxo