The day is grey. Overcast, pale grey, dull skyline. Oh, but how beautiful! My spirit rises as the temperature cools. A few leaves float in a zigzag path to their home on the parched thin blades of grass outside my backdoor. I hardly notice the pain that seems to encompass my body...the constant ringing in my ears...my cloudy vision.
The television is playing an angst-ridden movie on motherhood in a big city. My anxiety level is heightened, but I'm glued in place. Unable to turn it off as I identify with the craziness of the main character having a meltdown on her way driving out of town, leaving her family behind. A crisis. As she screams a conversation over the cell phone with her husband relaying her plans, she whips the car back around at a harried pace as her youngest son is choking on a lollipop.
When she gets home, the child is fine. She and her husband have a heart to heart...and he ends up asking: "What would be a better life than you have right now?" She's lost her voice, herself, through sacrifices and compromises she's made for her marriage, her children, her place in the neighborhood....He also asks: "What do you really think? Feel? ....what makes you want to live a life of passion, no matter how many socks you may have to pick up?"
Well, my only son is in his junior year in college. Somehow, I haven't managed to find my joy for living every day with the expression of passion and eagerness. But, gradually....so gradually....I eke my way out of my dark cavernous void of a mid-life crisis...